Skippy's List

I'm fairly sure I've posted this before, but I'm gonna have to review.

Here are a few choice selections:

3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.

4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.

49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”.

60. “The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of my chain of command.

61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean “I have been promoted three more times than you”.

88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as “Mom”.

89. Must not refer to the Commander as “Dad”.

91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.

94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.

108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.

109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.

123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.

127. “No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.

128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.

129. The Microsoft ® “Dancing Paperclip” is not authorized to countermand any orders.

145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.

165. I do not get “that time of month”.

174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).

175. We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”.

191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

194. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.

195. Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.

197. I am not allowed to sing “Henry the VIII I am” until verse 68 ever again.

203. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.

208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civilians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.

210. Must not make T-shirts up depicting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.